


To Be, To Want, To Do, To Have

by KenrakenOkwaho



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Drabble Collection, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Implied Slash, Introspection, M/M, Male Slash, No Smut, Pre-Slash, Sad Ending, Slash, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, a bit philosophical of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-09 09:57:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11666799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KenrakenOkwaho/pseuds/KenrakenOkwaho
Summary: A philosophical interlude in the lives and worldly conceptions of our lovely pairing.





	1. To Be

**Author's Note:**

> I've already written enough introspection for the two of them, but I just can't seem to stop. Forgive any repetition from previous works.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be = To exist in actuality; have life or reality: I think, therefore I am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I deemed it ok to associate Jack with religion, but it felt like a nice touch.
> 
> Enjoy and Feedback!

Who is James Norrington, what is he striving for? Who is he living for? What is James Norrington? Above all, he is human, he is anthropos, the son of man, a soul trapped in a mortal body that can break at any time, susceptible to pain, to sorrow and to sin, he is _weak_. Then, he is a Commodore in the British Royal Navy, a trained soldier, a rank more than he ever was a man, just as bound to follow orders as he is to giving them. That is what James Norrington is. As for who he is... well... identity in its purest form has always been a tricky thing to figure out, but ultimately even harder to accept for both individual and society, concepts, ideals and perspectives of who someone is never merging completely with the true essence building up that person, never sailing over the same wavelength. And that's fine, the world was not made to be perfect, humans were not made to be perfect, no, but they certainly were made to be themselves and that should never change.

 

Now, who is James Norrington?

 

James Norrington is an honourable man, a man who values principles, morality, honesty, a man who managed to piece together a code of his own from naught and resolved to respect it fiercely while trying to listen to the call of duty and understand the sacrifices that need to be made, even if that meant forsaking part of his virtue. Some may say that, through all this, he is terribly naive. James himself wholeheartedly agrees more often than not. Why? Because, as noble as he is for letting his young heart beat wholly for his country flourishing waves away from Port Royal, he knows he fights alongside people who abuse their power, who think they are gods when, in reality, they can only be defined as greedy, covetous, evil creatures drifting on a permanent endeavor to destroy. Between this knowledge and his hatred for pirates, the veritable scoundrels are quite clear, no matter how hard he struggles to overlook this validity. His superiors would see entire nations crumble if that means their goals and interests will be achieved, there is no way to avoid this factuality. He knows... yet he still chooses to hang on to that drop of naivety whispering that all is for the greater good, that it should be enough.

 

◇◇◇

 

On the other side, the infamous Jack Sparrow is just as human as the Commodore, just as fragile, just as earth-born, just as _weak_. He is a pirate, a roamer of the seas, a criminal, a social pariah for the simple reason that he dared to set his own odds against everyone else's. It's why the difference between scallywag and Navy officer is clear as day, it's what makes their whos separate from their central nature. Jack chose freedom over any other duty, he chose to be an outlaw, to never obey the devils lurking at the top of the hierarchy, he yearned to be forever the lover of the sea, to let its gentle water rock him to sleep and its waves to wake him up each morning, content with his flaws. This is his way of living, never denying his mortal imperfections or his crimes, cupidity, lust, the instinct to kill in order to survive, all of them are part of him and not once had he repudiated that or refused to follow his own moral compass. Somehow, he's proud because lost in this chaos of profligacy are flickers of sincerity and dignity, of compassion and camaraderie, flickers that make him who he is and give him hope that, in God's eyes, his errors disappear and he can be redeemed. Many would say that believing in a higher power is utterly foolish, but Jack knows better, he knows it's the only notion humanity has left, the only blessing that keeps it from collapsing into chaos and, through the nefarious spirit of a pirate, he values its teachings, even though everything he does is sin.

 

◇◇◇

 

They are who they are, they are what they are and they live how they want and chose to live, either for themselves or for others, two entire opposites into a world of betrayal that judges them relentlessly for it. They are two humans, a pirate and a Commodore, who inadvertently and unknowingly connected from the first moment their eyes met, two souls who brought colour to each other in a black and white universe.

 


	2. To Want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To Want = To have a strong feeling to have (something); wish (to possess or do something); desire greatly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise if this got tricky, my mind has a weird way of functioning when it comes to deep stuff. My attempt to make want something more than it probably is might or might not be brilliant, but I can find out only if you leave a comment with you opinion.
> 
> Enjoy and thank you!

To want... The verb is its essence reflects an infinite palette of denotative and connotative meanings with oscillating fluidity, solid and straightforward, rare and ethereal, evanescent, ephemeral and so on. For some, it means to have, possess, for others need or crave, for some it means to wish to have, obtain and claim, for others means only desire, nothing else, all frail in their stability of meaning, never to be relied on completely... just like humanity. Yet, despite any discrepancies, peculiar is the unanimous truth that its substantival counterpart is almost always defined or associated with as desire, physical, emotional, spiritual, idealistic desire for another human being.

 

◇◇◇

 

James... well, James finds the perfect match in the wishful sphere of want. He wishes and he wishes, but he never acts on what he truly and that ultimately destroys him from the inside out. For James, the verb to want is synonym with longing, planning, doubting, with thinking before speaking else he'll ruin his very own self, it is synonym with dreaming of someone whom he could have, but is too afraid to screw up his courage. It's synonym with fear, revulsion at his thought, with denial of both reality and feelings. He knew from the very beginning, that the petty fire simmering inside his heart will grow to burn fiercely and bright for someone he thought is nothing more that sentient dirt, for someone he's still trying to convince himself he loathes, for a bloody pirate, damn it all. God, how he hates this emotional abomination, it interferes so much with what he is, with what is expected of him. The part of who he likes to believe he is has already been compromised, perhaps long before he met Sparrow, when he longed to be free, free from his father, free from the man's expectations and denigration of his own son, simply free to feel the saline breeze caress his sunburnt skin, free to rock with the waves of the mysterious sea day and night, in sickness and in health, until the waters took him into their comforting embrace for eternity. No such luck had been bestowed upon him however, and he had to fight fiercely to forget about the promises of peace and freedom... it was for his own good.

 

Then, he met Sparrow, and all his efforts flew right out the window, buried wishes coming back to life to drown him with their tide. If only this was the sole occurrence... Along with those wishes, something darker arose, clouding James' mind with shameful thoughts and vivid images of what could happen between him and the pirate. At night, sinful dreams peruse his subconscious, blood thrumming through his heated veins like flames burning deep inside. Slurred words echo in the darkness, gentle hands caress up the length of his entire body, lips melting perfectly against his, teeth marking milky skin while lips roll sensually into his. Hot, wet, lewd, deliciously disgusting and not because he's fantasy involves a man, no, he never truly cared for such trivialities such as gender, no, he dread that they involve a pirate, Sparrow, no more and no less. But who's he to tell what is wrong and what is right, maybe this is his chance to liberate himself because he _wants_ to change his life.

 

◇◇◇

 

Jack... well, Jack wants too, he wants rum, he wants gold, he wants release, be it by his own hand or by a pair of whores. For him, it is the basic side of want. The other... for him, it has always meant desire, no matter how many people told him it was erroneous, false, incorrect, imprecise or simply wrong. This interpretation never faltered and it only strengthened when he met the pristine Commodore, so sharp, so righteous, so difficult to taint if he's not fought for hard enough. It's fascinating how much honour dwells in that uniformed body if the world they live in is taken into consideration, and Jack admires that more than anyone would believe, he admires that because lies and pain, treachery and perfidy are hard to pass by and erase, regardless of who you are, a pirate or a worthy man pretense. Conceivably, that might be the reason why his initial fascination bloomed into something far more rooted in his heart and brain than meer curiosity.

 

Desire is not a notion he can trifle with as easily as he makes it seem. He tried to play with it, but, in the end he got burned... it consumed him to the point where neither he nor those around him managed to recognise him. Why? Because want turned into love and the two danced into a swirling tornado of unfortunate words and events he'd rather not remember. Sadly, the same goes for him and Jamie, _his_ Jamie. They've been tiptoeing around each other ever since they met, throwing insults and smug words, furtive glances, lustful orbs, never venturing too close or risk getting gravely hurt. Despite that, he accepted his feelings towards the man as the ultimate truth haunting his free life as  pirate, tormenting him day and night with ideas, reveries and visions. He imagines stifled moans and trembling fingers reaching out to tangle in his hair, he envisions, sea-green eyes struggling to stay open as their bodies rock together in perfect unison, it's beautiful, lovely, titillating... it's regrettable... it is regrettable more than anything because he surely won't even have the chance to fulfill his longing. The reality of it doesn't stop him from trying though... because he knows that if he doesn't, James will probably never will, too bound to the rules of society to conjure up his own.

 

He knows he desires the Commodore, he desires him body and soul, he craves for him and that is frightening because he knows that want transplanted into need with far too little support, right under his nose. How messed up things continue to become when logic fades away and the sole alternative is following his heart.

 

◇◇◇

 

They want... all humans want... the disparity appears when their types of want begin to war.

 


	3. To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To do = To perform or execute; carry out

It's easy to want, to wallow in feelings the two of them don't even know they share. To do something about it is an entirely different matter, social stigmas preventing any initiative to show each other their innermost desires. In hindsight, what society thinks of him never bothered Jack so he is quite open about his longing for the Commodore, well... as open as he can be in a world that turns against you every weakness it finds. The same cannot be said about the target of his lust and fascination. James will never be the one to make the first move, he has a noble rank, a duty and he has to live up to society's expectations, it would be a disgrace to court a pirate.

 

Therefore, all the hardships of pursuing the object of his affection fall on Jack. Not that he doesn't enjoy being the hunter, the thrill is delicious, but the effort is greater than he cares to admit since his prey refuses to acknowledge the attraction between them. When they met, he didn't get the chance to properly express his desire for the man aside from a childish banter and the teasing that came with it the moment he threatened Elizabeth. Through all the anger and disdain marring James' face, a glimmer of savage hunger shined as conspicuous as night and day, it may not have been there for everyone to see, but Jack was no fool, he caught it the second it flashed in the Englishman's eyes. After that, opportunities to address or touch the man had been rare and rare until they became nonexistent. Fortunately, fate decided to bring them back together and that's how James ends up as part of his crew along with the hateful vibes surrounding him. Aye, part of _his_ bunch of miscreants, on _his_ ship, under _his_ command, life is indeed wonderful at the moment, despite the attraction they both have towards Elizabeth. Between this and their own fiery magnetism, he will always choose James, although he's not sure that goes the other way around too. It's obvious it doesn't when every conversation the pirate engages in with the former Commodore has the same result, either cutlass smiting cutlass or flying punches and bodies thrown against wooden walls. In his defence, he did try to play it nicely, but since the man can't seem to comprehend such a thing, Jack's only alternative is to incite emotional revelation by force.

 

That's how they find themselves hotly pressed against each other in Jack's cabin, mouths clashing in a heated kiss. Tongues battle for dominance, hands wander across dirty skin while their hips grind and roll into one another with fervour, groans and growls blending into an animalistic ritual. They bite and lick, they draw blood and they mark, bruises littering their bodies by the end of the night. It's both exhilarating and painful, but neither cares, too lost in the little world of love and hate they've created from nothing but a single lustful touch.

 

So yes, Jack did something... they both did. If they feel the same... well... that remains to be seen, but Jack honestly doubts it, James has always been stubborn and that cannot be changed by a mere night of passion or the sweet words whispered in the dark.


	4. To Have

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To have = To be in posession of

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the final chapter, lots of angst condensed in less than 1000 words, as usual.

To have... such an interpretable notion, as versatile as want, yet as certain as to be, to be human in a world controlled by greed and sins, to be noble in a world that puts burden after mundane burden on far too fragile shoulder, a world in which a former Commodore like James used to have a complicated, but rewarding life. In retrospect, he used to have a  _life_. Now, the only things he has is his own sword sinking deep into his flesh, Elizabeth's desperate screams echoing in the distance while a bipedal squid mocks him with the offer of delaying his death. As light rapidly fades from his once clear sea-green eyes, his mind spins with memories and thoughts of the sole two persons who were able to break right through his long and well-built barrier of aloofness, Elizabeth and Jack, a young, fierce lady searching for adventure and a depraved pirate. He never imagined such a rugged course for his life. He also never imagined that the only thing plaguing his mind in the last moments on earth will be how pure and real his love for Sparrow really is.

 

Elizabeth Swann never lost his affection, not even for a second, not when she ran away with scoundrels, not when she fell in love with the son of a blacksmith, not when she openly chose Will Turner over him, the wild woman who was the sole focus of his whole universe will have his heart in death and beyond without a doubt. He will never regret saving her. Still... he was so blinded by that resolution that not in a million years did he expect to be hit so suddenly and so full-force by desire and undefined feelings for a bloody pirate. When he realised there is no turning back from that passion or hiding from the proverbial ardent fire burning between them, he simply let go, he let himself be entirely consumed by the flames of what he realised and admitted too late that it was love. There is no place for hollow excuses and regrets at this point, there is only time for watching his life flash before his eyes like a vivid pellicle showing loved ones, enemies, happiness and sorrow, actors playing on the scene on which he was the lone protagonist. There's only an eternity to remember what he had as anthropos, as a man, as a constrained Commodore, as a free pirate, but, most of all, as the lover of a pirate. It was _liberating_ , it was _beautiful_ , they were _happy_ , they were _free_.

 

◇◇◇

 

Far away, sailing on the Seven Seas, the Sparrow felt the familiar pang of pain tightening around his agitated ticker like an iron cage. He felt his mate, his partner, his love withering away somewhere on the salty waves, melancholic and alone. They spent so little time together, but it was so genuine, so fierce... and they let everything slip through their fingers because they were so damn bent on gaining what they want, because they were _weak_ , because they are human. The night sings him haunting lullabies and, along with it, the Pearl rocks upon the tide, slowly drowning the forlorn bird in the tranquil water as it spumes under the ebony wood of the ship. Thoughts of what he could have had torment him and will continue to do so until his dying breath, delusions flickering inside his head each time he opens his kohl contoured orbs and each time he closes them in search of peaceful sleep.

 

Elizabeth Swann... graceful and wild Elizabeth Swann. That woman fascinated him from the very beginning, not enough to stir any feelings, but enough to care for someone other than himself. He is proud to call this brave lady of Port Royal his friend, despite the past betrayal and games they played for so long just because they are paradoxical insignificant creatures who preach about values when they have none. The short interaction he had with Commodore James Norrington on that faithful day at the docks is a completely different matter, sparks flying the moments their lively gazes met, one narrowing with contempt, the other shining with mirth. Back then, he never would've guessed something will actually bloom out of their mutual reluctance, but it did and for a single night he had everything he came to wish for. He had peace, he had love, he had love and also hate, he had Jamie, his Jamie by his side, milky-white skin pressing to his tanned one, warm and soft in the shy light of the lamp swinging in the cabin. It was so unlike them to be that quiet and calm, but it was what they both secretly wanted, what they longed to have without even knowing.

 

They had each other.

 

Now, James is leaving him forever, taking with him the part of Jack that was his since the beginning whilst Jack loses his truest love, a love he never got the chance to keep... They are alone... alone and incomplete...

 

◇◇◇

 

Their souls will weep until they meet again and they will be free, free of sorrow, free of sin, together as one for all eternity.

 


End file.
